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Charming a Man

There are three classes of men -- lovers of wisdom, lovers of honor, lovers of gain.

  -- PLATO

Men are suckers for charm, like putty in your hands. From long experience, women are often suspicious of a man who is trying to be charming, knowing that he, being a man, may have ulterior motives. Men, on the other hand, are much more open to being charmed, if you do it right. Men get their greatest sense of value and importance from achievement, status, and the respect of the key people in their worlds. Men are driven and motivated to bring home the bacon and provide for themselves and their families. This is central to their self-image and identity. Some men can never rest. No matter how much they have accomplished, they feel insecure; they feel as if they must accomplish more.

Men have what psychologists call "insecurity of status." Many of them have a deep-down, unspoken fear that everything they have accomplished could be taken away from them at any moment. They must continually achieve more and more, no matter what they have accomplished in the past.

The key to charming a man is simple. Ask him questions and appreciate him for his achievements. Acknowledge and recognize him for his work and accomplishments. Be impressed with what he is doing and what he has done. He will find you fascinating.

Brian on Praising Accomplishments

When my son Michael was about five, he came home one day from Montessori school with a happy look on his face. I asked him, "How was school today?"

He beamed at me and replied, "My teacher told me that she was really proud of me." He then repeated, as if it was very important, "She was really proud of me."

I immediately recognized that the teacher had hit an emotional chord in Michael that I could strike as well. From that day forward, I have continually told my children, "I am really proud of you," whenever they did anything worthwhile. Every time I said these words, I saw how it elevated their self-esteem and sense of personal value.

As a busy professional speaker, I meet thousands of people each year. Whenever someone tells me about something he has accomplished, I say something like, "You must be very proud of that." Men, especially, are deeply affected when people they respect tell them how proud they are of some achievement. They find it both moving and charming.

What Men Need

Men are charmed when you appreciate that they are capable of succeeding and providing.

When a woman smiles at a man, it makes him happy, reinforcing his self-esteem and making him feel more secure. Any expression of praise, approval, or admiration for his accomplishments warms his heart and causes him to see you as a remarkably perceptive person.

When a woman lavishes attention on a man as he talks and explains his work and career path, practicing all the listening skills she has learned in this resource, he will find her absolutely fascinating.

You often see an ordinary-looking woman with a good-looking, successful man and say, "I wonder what he sees in her?"

The answer is, "What she sees in him!" When a woman looks into a man's eyes and sees a valuable and important person, he finds her irresistible. He is absolutely charmed.

Your Tools for Charming Others

Select any man in your life and ask him a simple question like, "How is everything going at work?" When he answers, lean forward and pay close attention, as if his response was absolutely fascinating.

When he slows down or stops speaking, which he will to test whether you are really interested, follow up with one of these questions: "What happened then?" or "What did you do (say) then?" He will almost immediately begin speaking again, which gives you more of an opportunity to listen and appreciate his accomplishments.

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