Westside Toastmasters is located in Los Angeles and Santa Monica, California

CHAPTER 6

Charming a Woman

If God made anything better than a girl, Dover thought, He sure kept it to himself.

  -- NELSON ALGREN, A Walk on the Wild Side

Men and women are different, in ways other than the obvious.

One of the most important applications of charm is to be sensitive and attractive to the women in your world. Women love men who are charming. They want to be with them constantly.

To be charming to women, you have to understand how they think and feel. You must then say and do the things that affect them emotionally if you want them to like you.

Most women's primary source of personal value and self-esteem comes from the quality of their relationships with the important people in their lives. They place an even higher emphasis than men on outward appearance and on how well they are perceived and treated by others.

Three Deep Needs of Every Woman

The most powerful and important emotional needs of most women are affection, attention, and respect. They judge other people by their caring and concern for them, and by their confidence and competence in the world. They can see past external appearances and look into the heart of the person they are talking to.

The way to charm a woman is by being totally, 100 percent captivated by her as a person, and by every word she says, without interrupting or stopping her flow of conversation. Just as two young people in love sit and look into each other's eyes, so should you allow yourself to be completely, totally fascinated by the woman you are talking to and whom you want to charm.

Talk Less, Listen More

A comedienne once said, "I love going to my therapist. I get to talk non-stop about myself for an hour, just like a man on a first date." This is all too true.

Instead, the next time you are with a woman you care about, resist the overwhelming temptation to talk about yourself as if your day was the most fascinating event since Jesus walked the earth. Rather, ask her questions about herself and her day, about her life and her concerns, and then listen quietly and attentively to the answers. She will find you to be charming.

Listening and Questioning

Some years ago, when I was a bachelor, I took an attractive young woman out to dinner. Throughout the dinner, I asked her questions about herself. At a certain point, she opened up and told me about a particularly sad thing that had happened to her.

I was so moved by her pain at recalling the event that I winced. "I'm so sorry that happened to you," I said. And I really meant it. We sat there silently for a couple of minutes while I held her hand and allowed her to just relax in my presence, with no comment.

It was the beginning of a fulfilling relationship. My genuine concern for her feelings and her experience created a powerful bond between us.

To Impress or to Be Impressed?

When you are with a woman you want to charm, instead of talking about yourself and trying to impress her, be impressed by her. Ask her questions and talk to her about her hopes and concerns, her background, her goals and desires. Talk and listen as if you find her to be the most fascinating person you ever met.

The more you are impressed by her, by her ideas and opinions, her character and personality, the more impressed she will be with you. She will find you to be absolutely charming.

Your Tools for Charming Others

Select a woman in your life, at work or at home, and imagine that she is the most interesting and fascinating person you have ever met. Treat her with extreme courtesy and respect. Hang on her every word. Ask questions and listen closely to the answers. See how long you can encourage her to speak without interrupting or talking about yourself.

The next time you meet a woman you like, practice the same skills of acceptance, appreciation, and approval. Ask her about her work and personal life, and find something to be impressed about, or even to be amazed by. The wonder of these behaviors is that the more you practice them, the more interesting and fascinating you will truly find her to be. And she will think of you as being unusually charming.

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